humour-everwhere -woodly-allen -quotes

• "My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers".
• "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
• "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. "
• "It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "
• "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
• "He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian"
• "I failed to make the chess team because of my height. "
• "I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. "
• "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. "
• "I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. "
• "If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. "
• "In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows"
• "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker"
• "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. "
• "Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. "
• "Marriage is the death of hope. "
• "The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. "
• "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'."
• "To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. "
• "Tradition is the illusion of permanance. "
• "You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred"